I've been working on this post for a while now and have rewritten it several times because I have mommy guilt pretty much daily when it comes to my 4-year-old daughter, Brooklyn. The story is constantly changing, but I'm especially struggling this weekend because I'm leaving for Vegas for a few days (and then again in just three weeks) and although I know it's perfectly ok to have some me time & girl time it also is never easy to leave her. It has nothing to do with not trusting anyone else to take care of her....although, I do think she knows how to play her dad.....there will be lots of mac&cheese and yes's! It has more to do with the feeling life is already packed full enough every day when I'm right here.
Since I started Team Beachbody coaching and blogging, I honestly really have been guilty of being too "plugged in" sometimes. Although I try to do the majority of my work and exercise either after she's in bed or before she wakes up for the day (even if it means four hours of sleep), some days I just can't seem to put my phone or laptop down. I know she's right when she says she doesn't want me to be on my laptop anymore. OR, when she says things like "Mommy, you're always working out." It really makes me take a step back and realize how I need to do whatever I can to spend quality time with her. And, although she often practices Zumba with me or even does part of my workouts with me and I think it's important for her to see me be active, I need to spend an equal amount of time playing barbies.
I'm the mom who brings her cell phone to the park. I'm not very good about making her go to bed early. I give in to her requests for candy quite often. I love it when she sleeps in on the weekends...gasp, right??....lol. I love my job and am not at all sure I could stay home full-time but I still feel guilty like I should be home with her. I feel bad for her not having a brother or a sister....especially when she asks if she can have one...as if asking for a new toy...lol. I feel guilty for spending money on myself. I feel SUPER guilty when I don't realize she's watching and I step on the scale. (She still thinks it tells her her age and I hope she keeps that innocence for a long time!) I feel SUPER guilty when she sees me eat like crap. I feel terrible when Daryn & I argue in front of her. And, I feel like it's all my fault when she gets into trouble at daycare.
I tear up every time I re-read this as I get ready to post it.
I will never be the perfect mom. But, I'm not sure there is one. We all do the best we can with what we have.
I will make mistakes when it comes to her. I will put myself first sometimes. And, I may not be able to give her a brother or sister at this point in my life. But, I love her more than anything in the world, I don't even remember what my life was like before her and I'm going to do my best to make sure she grows up to be a confident young lady.
Will I ever not feel guilty when it comes her? Maybe not. But, what I do know is I will do is the best I can.
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